Studying the Word can give you an epiphany that forces you to stop reading, and start writing out your feelings. This is one of those times.
Last year I had a hard time of life and friendships. I have always wanted the forever friend. The person who wouldn't walk away. Who would put up with me and all my flaws, who would love me no matter what, and who I would respect enough to listen, when they brought up something I needed direction in. God gave me my husband, who is all of the above, but I wanted a female friend.
I thought I had one. We had been friends for a decade. Sometimes we drifted apart, but we had been close for a long time. She knew entirely too much about me, way more than I was comfortable with. Anyway, through a series of silly encounters which included female drama, she dumped me for the cool kid crowd. Yes I know I am an adult, but popularity still matters, and I have never been popular.
When this happened I was TOTALLY devastated. Demoralized. Depressed. I felt like the worst person ever. I kept praying and praying over it. Why is this happening to me? What do I need to change? How can I force her to be friends with me? How do I continue on with this broken relationship? I was envious of these other girls. I was angry and jealous. I was not in a happy place. At the time I was studying the book of James.
James 4:1 Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members?
I realized that I was the cause of the strife. I was the one who put the barrier up. One day in a particularly powerful time of prayer between God and I, He spoke to me. I believe I asked God something to the effect of, "GOD! JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO! HOW CAN I CHANGE TO BE FRIENDS WITH HER!" And for the first time in my life, God spoke to me. He said three words that changed everything, "At what cost?" One simple question. It shook my life. Yes I could be friends with this person and the cool kid crowd. But at what cost to myself? What would I give up? I was a light to the world, an example of Godliness. What would I give up if I conformed myself to them instead of towards His image?
Later I prayed that I needed a covenant relationship with a woman. I craved it and God pointed out to me that I had one all along. I was focusing my attention on the relationships from the world, instead of a relationship that would be forged in the kingdom. Now my life is totally changed from a year ago. I have grown even further in the Word. I am even more active in my church, my marriage is better, and I have this blessed covenant relationship.
This brings us to today's study. Again in James, I read 4:1 and continued to 2.
Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? 2 You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet[a] you do not have because you do not ask.
You do not have because you do not ask. I never asked God for a covenant relationship. I wanted one, but I was trying to force this situation out myself. I wasn't letting God operate in the section of my life where friendships were concerned. Once all of my praying and circling around and around the subject was over, I FINALLY thought, hey! what if I ask God about it? And He immediately, perfectly answered me. He was probably thinking, it's about time she figured it out!
